AB asked 12 years ago
We hosted a birthday dinner party old friend. I made salmon, my hubby’s favourite, one of my least. Halfway through dinner I offered 2nds to the birthday guest first and to the rest of the table. Birthday boy took the last bit, and unknown to me, left my DH still hungry. Was told I don’t put him 1st?
Insight Psychological Staff answered 12 years ago
This sounds like one example of a bigger problem. Your husband is expecting you to validate him and put him first, and sometimes this is not always possible. I recommend couples counseling for the both of you. In the meantime, you may be interested in doing some relationship strengthening. I suggest the following website. There is an option to sign up for “free help” in the form of weekly emails. Many people find these emails to be simple and effective suggestions. http://www.marriagemax.com/mort-fertel.asp
You may have to have a conversation with your husband about your expectations about each other and what you are able and not able to give him (and what he is able and not able to give you). This would be an opportunity for you to say that although he may not always feel like your top priority, you do have the best interest of the relationship in mind and you still love him even when you can’t offer him the last piece of fish. Perhaps you may find it useful to think about this conversation first and write out some of your key points. Use “I” statements rather than “you ” statements so your husband does not feel attacked.
Another resource you may find useful is “The Five Love Languages”. You can get the book or check out the webpage. I suggest both you and your husband completing the assessment (either in the book or on line) so you can both be clearer on how to show love and appreciation to each other.
