On this episode of Up the Rabbit Hole, join Dr. Cory Hrushka and Brandi Enns with special guest, Registered Psychologist Jason Jones, Director of Loving Choices Psychology, as they delve into thought-provoking discussions on intimacy, relationships, and the complexities of modern connections.
Relationships involving partners with ADHD can face unique challenges particularly when biases favour neurotypical behaviours and dynamics. The key to fostering a loser look at some common issues couples encounter and actionable solutions to address them.
Partner Attributes Relationship Issues to ADHD
Question Addressed:
1: “My boyfriend of 11 months has ADHD and is medicated. He believes our relationship issues are caused solely by his diagnosis. He’s impulsive and emotionally reactive and engages with Instagram girls. Is this common in people with ADHD, or is it something else?”
Solutions:
ADHD can lead to impulsivity and emotional dysregulation, but these behaviors require accountability and boundaries.
While dopamine-seeking behaviors (e.g., cheating) can be linked to ADHD, they still involve a conscious choice to violate trust.
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- Encourage Self-Work – Your partner must make a conscious decision to work on his behaviors and commit to change.
- Set Boundaries – Reflect on whether you’re unknowingly enabling these behaviors. Clear boundaries are essential.
- Differentiate ADHD from Commitment Issues – While inattentive and hyperactive tendencies are often unconscious, violations of commitment are intentional.
Distracted During Intimacy
Question Addressed:
1: “My wife has ADHD and often seems distracted or zoned out during sex. Could this be linked to ADHD?”
Solutions:
ADHD often involves novelty-seeking. Sex might become less stimulating if it feels routine.
Research suggests women with ADHD may experience lower desire, arousal, and orgasm rates (Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 2020).
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- Embrace Novelty – Introduce spontaneity to rekindle interest and excitement.
- Practice Mindfulness – Use exercises from Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz’s Magnificent Sex, focusing on presence and communication during intimacy.
- Explore Therapy – Consider sex therapy to address challenges and rebuild intimacy.
Challenges with Chores and Organization
Questions Addressed:
1: “I’m breaking up with my ADHD boyfriend. Managing him and dealing with household tasks is exhausting. I’m fed up.”
2: “I have combined-type ADHD and have been with my partner for nine years. He’s unhappy because I constantly forget chores. We’re about to get married, but his criticism is overwhelming.”
Solutions:
ADHD often leads to relational imbalances in household tasks, which can feel unfair to both partners.
Criticism and frustration can stem from compatibility issues rather than ADHD itself.
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- Focus on Equity, Not Equality – Understand that fairness in relationships involving ADHD looks different. Dividing responsibilities equitably considers each partner’s strengths and challenges.
- Ask Yourself Key Questions Early On – Are you okay if your partner doesn’t change? ADHD isn’t a moral failing but requires adjustments and compatibility.
- Improve Communication and Planning – Use tools like shared calendars, reminders, and ADHD-friendly organizational systems to reduce conflict.
- Pursue Education – Learn more about ADHD to approach the relationship with empathy rather than frustration.
General Tips for Navigating ADHD in Relationships - Sympathize and Empathize – Avoid criticism and recognize the unique challenges ADHD brings.
Practice Mindful Communication – Express needs clearly and kindly. - Seek Professional Support – Therapy can help couples develop strategies tailored to their dynamics.
- Celebrate Small Wins – Acknowledge progress rather than focusing solely on shortcomings.
ADHD in relationships can present unique challenges, but understanding, empathy, and a commitment to finding solutions can make partnerships rewarding and resilient. With the right tools and mindset, couples can build strong, supportive connections that thrive despite neurodiverse differences.
Up the Rabbit Hole is a podcast where sex therapist Dr. Cory Hrushka speaks about all things sex and gender. We invite you to listen to our episodes here.
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Happy listening!
