Whether it’s Christmas, New Years Eve, a birthday or Valentines Day, there seems to always be a special occasion looming, reminding us of another benchmark for us to reach. The anticipation, worry, exhaustion or grief we may feel around trying to reach big milestones makes them feel even less within reach. Some of the biggest issues clients come to family and couples therapy with are ones around marriage, family planning and relationships, pregnancy and/or parenting. Conversations with family and friends become conditional and bittersweet as these questions roll off, reminders of societal pressures to measure up and report a certain amount of progress. Both men and women face these expectations and pressures, albeit in different ways…to propose, get married, to get pregnant, have multiple children, to buy a family home, etc.
Struggling with fertility, pregnancy, reproductive health, sexuality or parenting specifically can be frustrating, isolative and lonely. Exacerbating the stress further is the fact that these periods are often literally monitored with milestone trackers and benchmarks listing ‘within norm’ expectations, along with next steps, all the tasks, timing the next hurdles. In addition to the stress of trying to keeping all the ducks lined up in a row, these sensitive topics seems to be put under a further scrutiny by family, friends, neighbors and colleagues.
“Do you just not want kids?”
“Are you pregnant yet?”
“So…when are you having a baby?”
“So? When are you two going to start trying for baby number 2?”
“IVF is so expensive! How many times have you done it?”
“Will you adopt?”
“You can always try again.”
While usually well-intentioned, these types of questions are rarely topics for conversations at parties, celebration and holidays. They provoke more stress, negative reactions and consequences to close relationships when boundaries around private matters are not being respected. It can be overwhelming when you want to maintain some privacy, especially when things aren’t going as planned. So, how do you deal with it?
There are ways to handle these interactions so you don’t have to get to a point of dreading, avoiding and making excuses for family gatherings around the holidays and special occasions. Firstly, as the title suggests, navigate with love. Special occasions and holidays are certainly about that. It is with love and patience that we redirect and reconsider what we say and how we respond:
- Give yourself enough space between the question or comment, and what you do next. Breathe! Pause, acknowledge the person’ interest. Albeit the fact that these questions are intrusive, unnecessary and painful at the best of times, they often do come from people who actually care about us and love us.
- Get clear with yourself and/or your partner about what you are willing to talk about, and what you aren’t. Maybe you are ok talking about it, with the exception of one person. Perhaps it’s just a certain aspect of an issue that is off limits? Perhaps its early and you wait until test results are in. All that is ok, it’s up to you when and with whom you share personal information. It’s also up to you how much you share and the reasons for doing so.
- Expect the difficult questions and intrusive comments. This may help guard against the emotional toll they take so they might not hit as hard.
- Decide on safe topics you are comfortable getting into. This allows you to get ahead of potentially triggering conversation and difficult questions. Stick with safer topics such as a new job, a class you’re taking, home reno’s etc., have pictures to show off, ask questions, ask for advice. You don’t have to disengage altogether, just shift the focus.
- Reflect the question back: “I’m not sure if I want kids yet Grandma, was that something that was important to you when you were my age?” This one takes practice if you don’t want to sound dismissive or passive aggressive. But deflecting it back and asking people about themselves is an effective strategy, even if it is just temporary distraction.
- “I don’t know”, “I’m not sure” or “I’d rather not talk about it here”, are all acceptable answers to these questions. It’s ok to leave people hanging about issues that are none of their business.
- Be busy. At family get togethers, for instance, offer to set the table, make the salad or play a game with the kids. You aren’t bound to the dinner table next to your nosy auntie the whole night. Circulating around can minimize opportunity for unwanted conversation and questions.
There are several approaches to supporting someone through a transitional phase in their life. For those who may need more professional supports around getting through a particular struggle or loss, The Grief Recovery Method is not only intended for people who are grieving as a result of a death or divorce. It is beneficial to anybody who has experienced the pain of unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations in a relationship, who is seeking to let go of the hope that things could have been better or different in the past (The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, 2025). Insight has recently collaborated with The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre to help address sensitive and tough conversations often reserved for the confidential and safe space of a counselling professional.
One of the other evidence-based approaches that I would use if someone is struggling with anxiety or mood related symptoms due to the ongoing struggles with their perinatal journey is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). “ACT enables the concurrent treatment of depressive and anxiety symptoms within the same intervention which is particularly helpful in the perinatal context.” (Waters et al. 2020). This approach endorses the attitude of accepting the discomfort of thoughts and emotions. Rather than avoiding, denying, and struggling with them, accepting that these deeper feelings are appropriate responses to certain situations that should not prevent us for moving forward in our lives (Psychology Today, 2025). Committed action, in the context of ACT, involves taking concrete steps to incorporate changes that will align with your values and lead to positive change. In other words, choosing when, where and with whom to navigate difficult conversations, or answer difficult questions in a way that is aligned with your goals and principles (e.g. privacy), helps to mitigate the stress of having to navigate them in the first place. This stands in contrast to actions driven by the desire to avoid distress or adhere to other people’s expectations. This may involve goal setting, setting and maintaining boundaries, exposure to experiences, and skill development (Psychology Today, 2025).
The Spring Centre has highly specialized therapists who can support individuals, couples and families during sensitive times when there is a real need to discuss difficult questions and topics related to family planning and relationships, pregnancy and/or parenting. Whether your journey is just getting started or you’ve been in the struggle for longer than you anticipated, preserving your privacy and confidentiality is a priority. That can make all the difference when getting support. Big milestone moments can have us feeling like we are helpless, at the mercy of moving forces and people around us. Remember, you decide what you tell, who you share it with, and when. That sense of personal efficacy and choice is an important element in maintaining your mental health through difficult life phases. Spring is here to help you through.
[Written by, Izabela Bienko, Registered Provisional Psychologist]
References:
Kersting, A., & Wagner, B. (2012). Complicated grief after perinatal loss. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 14(2), 187-194.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy Retrieved from Psychology Today, January 20, 2025
The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre (2025). https://www.healmyheart.ca/about
The Grief Recovery Method. https://www.healmyheart.ca/services/grief-recovery-programs, Retrieved from The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre Website on January 20, 2025
Waters, C. S., Annear, B., Flockhart, G., Jones, I., Simmonds, J. R., Smith, S., Traylor, C., & Williams, J. F. (2020). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders: A feasibility and proof of concept study. The British journal of clinical psychology, 59(4), 461–479. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12261
