Amanda asked 13 years ago
My girlfriend of 4 yrs doesn’t like to have sex often. She prefers using toys to orgasm, and masturbation to sex wit me. It makes me feel inadequate. I try to talk bout it with her but she gets defensive and says she’s just not a sexual person. I feel like she doesn’t try to let me please her. Help
Insight Psychological Staff answered 13 years ago
It’s very frustrating to want to give to your partner but not be received. I can imagine it would cause a lot of anxiety in both of you. When you say you try to talk to her and she gets defensive, I’m curious about the way you approach the issue. Do you bring it up in the moment? are you already feeling defensive yourself when you address the issue? I suggest being really curious about her beliefs and desires regarding sex. And by being curious, I mean putting your own agenda aside and really listening to her.
If she’s not comfortable with sex, what is she comfortable with? Is she comfortable with you touching other parts of her body (other than the genitals)? Is she comfortable with making out? Is she comfortable with a backrub? In order for a person to have sexual desire, she has to feel like her boundaries are being respected. Sometimes this is a matter of moving really slowly and letting your partner know you wont do anything she’s not comfortable with.
You and your girlfriend may want to come in to speak with a therapist. Here at insight, we have therapists who are certified in sex therapy (understanding human sexuality). You can call us at 780-461-1717. Or you can also contact The Support Network at 780-482-0198.
